truth

Let God Deal with the Things They Do

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There is this Will Smith lyric I quote pretty often. My kids know it. Everyone knows it. I wholeheartedly believe it.

Recently, I had the pleasure of being at Scout camp with my son for a few days.  In that time, I gained a lot of perspective on some things, but one of the most interesting things I got to do was be reminded of just how kind and loving my son is.  

There were several instances when someone was rude to him or left him out or whatever.  He did not typically respond in anger.  He did not respond by being rude back.  He almost every time responded with kindness and love.  And I thought, wow.  This child.  One time, he got pretty upset.  I was not with him, but it was reported to me by him and one of the other children’s grandpa.  We were talking about it and processing it, and during this, he quoted the Will Smith quote.  He also had a lot of grace for both the other kid and himself, and I was just so impressed with him.

Later that week, I had the opportunity to come in contact with someone who has been consistently rude to me and my children, as well as my husband.  The rudeness had culminated in two recent incidents in which she was more than rude, she had been mean to me.  I decided to ignore her.  Like, not just ignore her rudeness, but ignore her completely.  When she approached, I purposely engaged myself in other activities.  With my children.  As the time went on that she was standing there, I felt icky inside.  It did not feel good to ignore her.

When I was going through my divorce, I was devastated and sad and angry and grieving.  There were some times when I said or did things that didn’t feel good- I was acting on these emotions.  I started to learn how important it is to decide who you’re going to be and act accordingly.  I was learning through that experience who I was at my core, and that I am a kind person.  (I have a cousin who says I’m not kind and there’s nuance to this, but that’s another show….) And I need to protect my energy so that I can act in alignment with who I am.  I do not do this perfectly, but I consider it often.

Standing there, ignoring her, I did not feel good.  My kids were there and watching.  I thought, my son was such a beautiful example of this at camp- I have to do this for my kids!  And so I broke the ice and waved.  That simple act made me feel so much better.

I don’t have to let myself be walked on or treated poorly, but I also don’t have to be rude or mean.  That’s exactly the lesson I’ve tried to teach my kids, and this week, that’s one of the lessons my boy taught me.  I’m so grateful for his example and so proud of him.  

Lessons in Trout

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You know that saying, “Rock bottom teaches us lessons mountain valleys never will?” Well, I like to say trout fishing teaches us lessons bass fishing never will. You feel me?

We got to take the kids camping and fishing this weekend on one of Missouri’s trout streams. Did you know Missouri has a lot of trout areas, including red, white, and blue ribbon areas that support naturally reproducing trout? We’ve got both rainbow and brown trout here! You can also do trout fishing throughout the year, though the trout park seasons are March 1 through October 31, with a catch and release season through the rest of the year.

Trout fishing is different than other types of fishing, and it’s my personal favorite! It’s very fast-paced and a fun challenge. Speaking of, Mo Dept of Conservation and Trout Unlimited put together this Trout Slam. I think it’s still going on, so if you’re into trout fishing, check it out.

The challenge transcends generations. My dad’s dad used to take him when he was little, then they took me when I was little, and now I take my kids.

It is a joy to watch my parents teach and help my kids fish! Jimmy doesn’t fish for too long, but he does enjoy it. Nick probably enjoys it the most, followed by Rami and Lucy.

Something else I love about taking them fishing is the lessons they learn about perseverance, patience, and personal responsibility. Nobody can do it for you. And if you want to catch a fish, you have to try and try until you do. You have to plan and make choices. You have to be patient. You cannot compare yourself to others. It’s all kinds of wisdom wrapped up in one activity.

I’m proud watching them work through these things. They may struggle or get frustrated, but when they are successful, it’s awesome. And when they are not, it’s awesome. It’s awesome to hear them reflect and say, well next time I’ll do this or that. Next time. They don’t give up. They’re ready to go back next time.

Brave Old World

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This past weekend, Susan and I went to a Graduation Party for a fellow Doctorate of Education colleague of hers. It was a fancy party, black tie, everyone was dressed up so nice, in sequins and fitted tuxedoes. There was even a live band. We were one of the first ones to arrive- Susan is anything if not prompt.

There was trepidation in the air for us both as we walked from the parking garage to the one, then another elevator in this large venue. We both noticed that some people were wearing masks, as so many have been over the past year, while others looked as if the pandemic had never happened.

As we approached the banquet hall, several thoughts struck me all at once:Susan seemed nervous…

Nervous about her dress… she looked breathtaking!!

Nervous about seeing her cohort, her peers that were all Doctors now… I am so in awe of her!!

Nervous about “Is COVID over now??”… it seemed like a step in that direction.

Nervous about how the evening would go… it turned out to be the exactly what we both needed.

I started to wonder if I would embarrass her… She is a doctor now, she is beautiful, and she is a hell of a better dancer than me. Not to mention, my mind wandered to the fact that I had to buy a new shirt for this event, because I’ve gained weight in this past year and none of my old dress shirts fit me right. I wondered if I was the only person who didn’t rent a tux… I didn’t want to spend the money on a tux for an evening of celebrating someone I only knew through my successful wife. I felt incredibly inadequate.

I was here to support Susan… she had doubted coming and seeing her friends and colleagues all day. All the nervous things I listed above, plus probably 50 more things that I couldn’t even guess. I had asked her earlier: “Will you regret going?” her reply: “No”… “Will you regret not going?”… “Probably.” So here we are, and I have to remind her that she belongs here. That she is radiant and that even thought we are here celebrating her peer, this would also be a celebration of her accomplishment too… they did after all graduate together, and she did it with such style and grace.

I thought, “is this a trial run for her graduation party in a couple of months?” Different kind of party… Susan’s party is scheduled to be casual, with a lot of dancing, and family all surrounding her, honoring her accomplishment with laughter and joy. This party seems formal, and serious, even though we haven’t gotten inside yet, I fear that this will be a some kind of formal lecture, describing in great detail for family that already knows the honoree how he overcame his obstacles, and how he has reached his final destination.

Well, all of those worries and distractions melted away. First, we were greeted with couples photos, and a live band… I didn’t stutter… a live band!!! We haven’t seen a live band in over a year… Our excitement grew. Then she started to see the names of her pals… so many of her doctorate pals were going to be in attendance tonight. Then we saw the photo booth, and this suddenly felt like a wedding or something fancy but fun.

Every five minutes or so, Susan would see a dress she liked, or a pal she hadn’t seen since graduation which was virtual. She actually hadn’t seen some of these future pillars of education in person in over a year. I could tell she really missed them. I could also tell that she was as proud of all of them as I was of her.

Luxury St. Louis Photo Booth Pics by: https://MegaluxPhotoBooth.com @Megaluxbooth #Megaluxbooth

As the night went on, there were speeches, but not the kind of speeches I had dreaded, but speeches that were not about the honoree’s accomplishments but more hopeful about his future. This was barely a night to celebrate what the man had done, it was more of a celebration of anticipation of all the things he would now do with his influence and passion. It was just so hopeful…

and I paused and remembered that this is how I feel about Susan every day. So she has a doctorate… but she is nowhere near being done. She is just getting started. She will change the face of education, one child, one teacher, one family, one school, one district at a time if she has to. She and her cohort are a formidable group, a group of educators who are not willing to settle for the status quo, and are keenly aware of how change comes to be reality.

This was a revelation… coupled with the revelation that everyone was in fact vaccinated and had taken their masks off… The singer of the band got people dancing, and it was the most refreshing thing we’d heard in so long. Good Music, Wonderful People, and a Brave Old World to live in. While these titans of virtue planned a Brave New World for our Kids.

A Walking Stick

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I don’t know if you are at all like me, but I sometimes find myself getting stuck thinking about my present stressors or over-focused on the self-improvements that I am still to conquer. Getting stuck in these thoughts is the worst. I get overwhelmed somewhere between what tasks are not done, what new challenge is coming, and how I don’t feel prepared for either because I am not strong enough. Getting stuck SUCKS!!!

My son is 11yo and he was just diagnosed with ADHD last year. He was diagnosed with Inattentive Type, and even though he tries to hide it from his teachers and peers… I sometimes observe him really get stuck. He stands there thinking, and thinking, or not thinking but trying to look like he’s thinking through a problem or a thing. Honestly, it tests my patience. I know you are thinking, give the child a chance… I timed it once and witnessed him stuck for almost ten minutes trying to decide what to next. I nudge him, encourage him, prompt him, but I can’t unstick him. He has to decide it’s time to move on. It’s time to let go of the fear of consequences, let go of the fear of making a mistake, step back from near sighted vision we all have when we are so close to a thing, and look at a bigger picture.

I decided I would try something new with him recently, and you’ll have to stay tuned to find out if it works, but I started to wonder if he would feel encouraged if he remembered where he started and how far he came. If I reminded him of how much his handwriting has improved in the past year, would that remind him that he could achieve his goals and shift his focus on his spelling. If I reminded him that six months ago he struggled to do a 2 minute plank, and now he can do a 6 minute plank; would that encourage him to achieve another physical goal. If I reminded him that last year he used to sit and read at recess, and this year he has a D&D group that he meets up with; would that encourage him to expand his social circle.

Getting stuck SUCKS!!! I know, because I was reminded watching and observing my son that I spent a lifetime before meeting Susan of getting stuck. It wasn’t that long ago that I was trapped in a prison of my own making. One that had walls of depression and handcuffs of self-loathing. And recently, I find that when I’m alone in the house, or not planned or prepared that those feelings of overwhelmed and unfocused rise back up. I have flashes of memories of not leaving my house for days and weeks, and memories of routines that completely lacked joy.

In those moments, I forget the task list, and I forget the choices for what fulfilling thing I can do are… I forget how to be grateful, and I forget how to be thoughtful of my wife and kids… I get stuck. Now before you get out your judging gavel… the difference in the man before you is that I don’t stay there for more than a few minutes now. Just like I have reminders of how lost I once felt, and how paralyzed I once became… they are flashes. Because everyday, I take a very brief but important and powerful look in my rear view mirror. A look at how far I’ve become.

MY secret I use to not getting stuck is that every time I get stuck, I lean on the story of my journey like it is a walking stick. I lean on it to keep me stable, and I use it to make sure that my footing is solid, I lean on it to move the brush out of my line of sight and find the trail for my hike. I have so much gratitude for my hardships, and I have developed real pride in my accomplishments. And I use that gratitude and pride to keep me from getting stuck.

I hope that you can do the same… take a look in the rear mirror and remember where you came from… maybe you are in the hardships of your life, and when you look back in that rearview mirror you see more envious times… you can use that too… Draw from the gratitude of those more pleasant times to give you future goals, and assurances that you can achieve the existence that you want.

I’m not encouraging you to live in your past… I’ve tried that too… I’m encouraging you to use the facts of your journey like a walking stick that gets you to keep moving forward.

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